I'm tired. The last six days I've had trouble getting up. I go to bed at a reasonable hour and fall asleep, but each morning struggle to get out of bed and into the morning. Even knowing that I will begin the day quietly with quiet music and perfect coffee and time to write I lie there wishing I felt like moving as the morning minutes turn one after the other.
Then I get up. This is the thing to keep in mind. It's not how much trouble I had getting up or that I am later than usual. I'm up now. There's music, coffee, and time to write. I get caught in regret, wondering what's wrong with me when I can instead revel in being up now, writing, pushing forward. I can wonder about all that's right with me.
The shift is important. It is the sort of thing on which the day turns.
I have a similar situation with my weight which stubbornly stays above 210. I've put some effort into losing weight, but it hasn't amounted to much. Being stuck I wonder what's wrong with me. The answer: I'm eating too much. Grumbling about my lack of discipline hasn't helped, but I still grumble and am disappointed in myself. That's perhaps the best way to preserve the status quo. If I want to change, I have to change how I react.
Things get away from me, especially big challenges. Weight is like that. Getting a new job too. I go at it in a big way but then get bogged down. When results aren't miraculous I stop pushing.
The measure of a man is not how he falls but how he gets back up.
It's in how I choose to interpret the fall. If I decide falling is who I am, I lie at the bottom of the dark hole and complain. If instead I decide that falls happen and the sides of the hole aren't so steep, I get up and climb.
I've fallen, but not so far. That's why I'm tired. The few things I've tried to change my life haven't caught fire. I was hoping they would, that I would get lucky as I have before. I dreamed I'd snap my fingers and magic would happen. Turns out I need to do more work before magic happens. Can I do it? Well, did I get out of bed today and write? You bet your ass I did.
Today I'll look up more jobs. I'll set a date for coffee with a friend who knows how to get out of BOCES. I'll write to another friend who knows about coaching and starting something on her own. I will remember that I got out of bed, that I've lost five pounds, that I've started work that will get me into new adventures, and that it's a simple matter of getting up and writing on.