Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Writing Myself Awake

I'm so tired.

I slept well last night. Went to bed early, fell asleep promptly, mostly stayed asleep, and woke up feeling rested. I was sore because I ran on Sunday and again yesterday. While I ran yesterday I felt a soreness just below my chest. It was mildly uncomfortable then and worse now. Somehow I injured myself.

Maybe it's that which left me tired this afternoon. Lie-down-on-the-carpet-and-fall-asleep tired. My workday begins at 6:30 when I get to school. It continues through noon as I teach four English classes. Then I drive across town to teach math until 1:30. I take the next fifteen minutes to grade and do attendance and by 1:45 I'm on out. It's an early release, but a non-stop schedule and it fits me like an old coat I've grown out of and leaves me tired and unhappy.

Some people are concerned that I'm unhappy. A lot of my writing here tells of my dissatisfaction with my job. I talk about getting out, moving on, going forward. Some of this is to make myself feel better, but it also gets me thinking and moving. I also want to share my journey. It might be useful to someone.

If anyone's too worried about me, know this: I'm tired, but I'm not giving up.

If I had an awful home life, lacked friends, had no dreams, then I'd be really stuck. I'm graced with a loving, gorgeous, supportive wife. My kids are delights and wonders. My parents and brother live nearby. I am surrounded with friends and extended family who I treasure.

We are free of debt beyond an inexpensive mortgage and one student loan. We put good food on the table. We vacation. Our cars run well and we are improving our house.

Life is good, but the job I have isn't right for me any longer. That's not bad news. It's incentive to get going.

Today I sent out an application to a company that produces a great writing app. It was fun to write the letter. It felt good to do something. I'm tired, but I'm not giving up. I'm not standing still.

Odds are I won't immediately be offered a great job for the same amount of (or more!) money and benefits and perfect working hours. There was a time in this journey when I thought I had to change jobs right now! I know now that this is going to take a lot of small steps, some in directions that won't work out, but in the end I'll arrive somewhere that feels right.

I don't know where that will be, but I will know I'm there when I don't feel this kind of tired.

Speaking of which, drafting this essay has awakened and energized me. It's the work I love to do. It moves me forward as I create new opportunities, take care of myself and my family, and write on.