Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Wayne LaPierre, My Hero

If you're a supporter of gun rights, you might want to skip this one. Ah, the hell with it, read anyway. I don't give a damn about the feelings of insane gun rights. Here's the story.

I just finished reading a story on NPR about Wayne fucking LaPierre from the NRfuckingA who want to make it easier for anyone to buy weapons designed only for killing and making up for small penises.

Am I putting too fine a point on it? Oh well.

Anyway, LaPierre wants a registry of mental health patients and some bans on video games but no restrictions whatsoever on guns. He's saying that it would infringe on gun owners' rights to have mandatory background checks, but let's put the retards and crazy's names and addresses out there. He's a fair-minded guy, right?

Andy Borowitz wrote a satire saying that LaPierre went to Capital Hill to lobby for the rights of the NRA to own politicians. That's about right.

Now, the second part of our story is this: I'm a teacher in a school system and at another site in our system a teacher was injured by a student who punched him in the head. That student then said that he was going home to get an AK-47 and come back and, well, you get the idea. The school reported all this because they knew that the kid has access to such a weapon.

Why not? He should have access to an automatic weapon. He's an angry kid who hasn't had much of any parenting or discipline. To keep a people-killing machine out of his hands would undermine our right to form militias and keep the British at bay. It might also cut into the profits of a the manufacturers, dealers, and lobbyists for such weapons. We certainly couldn't have that. Not in America, God bless it.

Former Representative Gabriel Giffords testified at the same hearing. Her speech was in a much more halting voice. That's what happens when one is shot in the head by someone who was asserting his Second Amendment right to blow large, gaping holes in people with whom he disagreed. LaPierre is much more of a smooth talker. His speech is slick. Like a snake.

But it's not the guns that are really dangerous, it's the video games and television shows. If only we could get those Hollywood types (they're liberals, you know) to produce good, wholesome entertainment, then we wouldn't have these problems. The movies show guns in a bad light and promote violence in our society. The writers and directors, they are the ones pulling the trigger. We should have waiting periods for movies and X-Boxes.

LaPierre must have been that kid in the elementary school cafeteria who, when he saw someone's quarter on the table, shouted, "look over there!" and then swiped it with a smile. It's hard to imagine someone becoming so good at deception and misdirection without practicing it all his life.

Hey, and speaking of elementary schools, I was just imagining one of LaPierre's wing-nut followers appearing at my daughters' elementary school. I can easily imagine it now that someone took heavy weaponry into a Connecticut school and massacred twenty children and six adults desperately trying to protect them.

But that was just an anomaly. That guy got the guns from his mother. And she had purchased them legally. And that's what the founders intended after all. Remember that excerpted passage from the late seventeen hundreds? It said, we reserve the right to arm ourselves with fun weapons and machine gun style clips because these things are such a good time to have and shoot. We support the right of sons (or daughters) to go into the stashes of arms, borrow them, kill the parents and then go on shooting rampages in local schools. We further support the rights of little kids to die horrible, bloody deaths; of parents to live the rest of their natural lives without the human beings they brought into this world and whom they love the best. Yeah, I think that's just what the framers intended and heaven knows I don't want to argue with them on that. That would be, well, un-American.

If you're a supporter of gun-rights, don't worry about it. Nothing will get done. No one is coming for your guns because Washington has long ago been purchased and the gun-nuts have a lot of money in that game. Sleep tight tonight knowing that your semi-automatic weapon and humungous magazine are safe. It's just your kids who will probably die. But who cares? They aren't in the Constitution, so they don't matter anyway.

Mr. LaPierre, members of the NRA, Representatives and Senators of the United States, kill on.