Thursday, March 1, 2012

Treating Mild Depression (Live, Run, Write)

I'm not the only one who has trouble getting out for a run, am I. It has been over a week since I last ran. I'm in a slump.There is nothing physically wrong that would keep me from running. Everything feels fine. If I wasn't about to start work, I could go outside now and run. I'm physically fit, though a bit soft and tubby from not running, but I'm still not out there.

The problems are all in my mind.

I used to think this meant I was weak and maybe it is a sign of weakness, but not in some shameful way. I'm feeling weak of ambition. Something is up with me, something that keeps me from doing things that would make me feel better. I haven't been writing or reading as much, I'm eating more than I need, I'm not sleeping well, and I'm wanting to buy things. All of these are symptoms.

About now I imagine people advising me to take an anti-depressant. You're depressed! Maybe I am, but my therapist said something interesting this week.

She said, "you have emotional cycles."

"Like a menstrual cycle?" I asked, smiling.

"Yeah," she said. "And right now, you're pre-menstrual."

"Great!" I shook my head.

She smiled. "It's just that you're at the bottom of a cycle."

"Can I get a magic pill to take this feeling away?"

"You could," she said.

"But?"

"But then you wouldn't experience the fullness of life."

I said, "I could do without experiencing some of this fullness."

She smiled again. "Awareness includes this stuff too."

I think about that idea of experiencing the fullness of this life. We are too eager to believe that we should always be up and happy. I'm not running right now because I'm down in a gumption trap (with apologies to Robert Pirsig). I know that running would help, but the problem I'm trying to solve keeps me from running.

All it will take is one moment of decision and a step out the door. I might go for a mile or eight. Whatever the case, at some point I will break the cycle.

Running is usually my magic pill to take the bad feelings away. I just haven't figured out how to get the cap off the medicine bottle. I expect I will get to the point where opening it will be easier. I suspect that day will come soon.

Until then, I'm experiencing this end of the fullness of life and I don't like it much. I get what my therapist is saying, that experiencing this is, over the long haul, good and will help me learn how to live, but I'm ready to be done with this lesson.

Hmmm. Here's something I just thought of: I know that running will cure this feeling. Years ago I would have doubted it or, at best, suspected that it might be true. Now, I'm sure. I have enough experience to know that I don't have to climb out of a hole so much as just run and feel the hole disappear. The hole becomes flat ground, then the side of a hill, and soon I've climbed to somewhere new. I look out and the world is beautiful.

I've been in therapy now for three or four years. I've been running regularly for five or six. It's a long-term care strategy that I've been working on and I can see that it is starting to have effect. Another component of the treatment involves writing every day and working life out on the page and screen. I don't need no stinking magic pills. Live on. Run on. Write on.

9 comments:

  1. Wow. Sitting here with tears stinging my eyes. This is how I feel today. And felt yesterday. And the day before. I made fresh vegetable juice and hope that it will act like a magic pill. If not, i'll have a bloody mary on sunday.

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  2. I'm thinking that I should retitle the thing to Run, Live, Write, Drink. Yep, that ought to do it.

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  3. I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog- it has helped me make sense of some of the thoughts going through my mind. Thanks x

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    1. I'm so happy that you found this also. If it's of use to you at all, I'm honored.

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    2. i wish so much that i could keep the last part of your blog in my head...unfortunately the first half speaks so much more clearly to me :-(

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    3. Cycles come and go for me. There are times when only the first part resonates in my mind. Then there are times when I can feel the second part. And there are even times when I am just running and the depression isn't there. The fullness of our experience.

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  4. Truth of this gave me a wry smile, cheers - sounds just like me. You KNOW a run will give you enough to clear the fog but even getting your trainers on feels like a monumental challenge... Have found music helps too, tho i usually forget it at the time - transports just enough to help you get your ass out the door.

    They don't call it the blues for nothing - good luck :)

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    1. Thanks for this. You're right about how it can feel like too much work to just step out the door. It has been useful for me to see that it's just a feeling and that the actual act is much easier.

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  5. What is it about depression that takes over every sufferer's thoughts in that way- we obviously all get led down the same avenue..."i KNOW it'll make me feel better"..."just do it"..."what's wrong with me, why can't i just focus on the 'get out there' thoughts"...if nothing else, this blog has made me realise I'm not alone in my thinking x

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