Monday, February 20, 2012

Do Not Read This. Just Don't.

I'll warn you, this isn't going to be very interesting. If you have better things you should be doing, if you're just reading this to be courteous, you are excused. Hell, you're encouraged to move along. And if you have stumbled upon this, you should stumble elsewhere. Finally, if you are here because you've liked the things I've written in the past, expect substandard prose and, if you have any sense at all, move on. My mind is a jumble, I'm tired, and I don't really have anything good to say tonight. I'm just writing because that's what I do. Really, you should go empty the dishwasher. It's okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

Now that I've gotten rid of most of you, I look about at the motley group that feels about as I do right now and just has nothing better to do with their lives than read on past a warning of impending boredom. I have to tell you, you're a sorry lot. We should all commit now to invigorating our lives and getting into some new hobbies. I mean, look at us, sitting in on a Monday night or a Tuesday morning reading this drivel. It's President's Day, for goodness sake. We all know that the partying on President's Day doesn't just stop because day turns to night. That's when the powdered wigs come off, baby! Yet, here we are, almost 250 words in, a third of the way, and this is the best we have to offer.


Look at what I've done today: Helped my parents move their stuff from the 1000 Islands down to my brother's garage in Syracuse. I entrapped my wife into a day of full-time day-care with our children in order to pull off this trick and I snared my best friend into helping us unload. Tremendous.

I also found time to argue with a Mormon who believes that Elie Wiesel has it all wrong being offended by the Mormons baptizing dead people who were never members of their church-like cult thing. That was a hoot! The guy was justifying the practice of bringing people into their big, crazy tent after death and saying that the dead can simply opt-out. I think those were the original terms for iTunes also. Those nutty Mormons! I checked with a few of my dead friends, but none of them have gotten back to me about which religion they want to be baptized into. But, in a stroke of luck for the LDSers out there, none of the dead folks said that they didn't want to be baptized as Mormons. Score! Suck on that, Elie Wiesel! And thank you Mormon church for providing this fine service.

By the by, as a service to the LDS folks, I'm baptizing all their dead into Ahteism with me! It's really the least I can do and, just to be fair, I'm willing to let any of them out of the deal so long as they contact me after death and sign a few papers. No biggie.

So, my parents are moving to Syracuse and I, Mormon God willing will be moving on up to the pearly gates of LDS heaven. I'm thinking that I got the better end of that deal, but I'm hoping my folks will be as happy under grey skies as I hope to be above the clouds when I die and the Mormons get around to inducting me into their club. I wonder, will it be like the pledging ceremony I had in college? I hope so. But then again, I'll be dead and not give a damn. Oh well.

In other news, Rick Santorum...oh, forget it.

Back to the moving of my folks. I'm glad that they were able to make the move. My dad was a funeral director here in town and my mother was a teacher. Both of them taught me to cherish my friends and to honor my elders. My dad, through his profession also taught me to honor the dead. Together, they tried to teach me to have faith in God. That one didn't take so well, but as I've written before I'm glad to have had the education in those matters. Taken together, I think about how good it will be to have them nearby and how much I want to embrace taking care of them. I want to be sure that they are comfortable as they get older, that they feel loved, and that no one rapes them when they are dead by baptizing them into a strange religion that they have no faith in now that they are alive. The first two I can take care of. I'm hoping those kooky Mormons won't do the third thing to them. We'll have to see.

I told you not to read on. You know, no matter what and even when I'm tired and loopy like this, I write on.